For years, I was the queen of saying ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when describing my business.
“We just finished a huge project.”
“We’re so excited about this new service.”
“We’re growing so quickly.”
To start with, there was no ‘we’, not in the traditional sense anyway. It was just me. Me writing the content, serving the client, and answering emails at 11 PM. But every time I had to voice a win, I automatically put a soft filter over it, retreating behind the safety of that comforting, collaborative “we.”
I recently realised this wasn’t modesty, it was a sign of what I call Shadow Success, which is the inability to stand fully in the light of our own professional achievements.
When I spoke to more and more women about this concept, I realized this wasn’t just me. So, as I always do, I thought I would consider this in the concept of psychological theory.
Why do we, as women, fall into this trap?
The core reason appears to be rooted in social conditioning and professional pressure. We’re often taught that ambition must be softened by modesty. We fear that claiming a win too loudly will make us look boastful, selfish, or ‘too aggressive.’ It’s a deeply feminine impulse to make others feel comfortable, even at the expense of our own validation.
But what’s the cost?
Every time you use “we” to deflect your personal credit, you quiet your own internal self-worth. When I was doing all the heavy lifting and then deflecting the praise, I was sending a confusing signal to my own system: “You worked incredibly hard, but it wasn’t important enough to claim.” This only feeds the exhausting cycle of Imposter Syndrome.
Wellbeing Insight- Your brain thrives on clarity and reward. Supported by attribution theory in psychology, when you claim your success by saying “I,” you create a clean, direct line of sight between your effort and your result. This powerful alignment is essential for building sustainable confidence and preventing burnout. The opposite of hustle is alignment, and alignment starts with the language of truth. Also, attributing this achievement to ourselves gives us a dopamine hit, our reward system is triggered and it makes us feel good.
Three Ways to Practice “I”
This isn’t about being an arrogant success story. It is about being accurate, leaving room to grow and boosting your self-esteem. A couple of things that helped me:
- Start with the “Self-Correction Pause”
The next time you’re describing a success and hear yourself say, “We did a great job on…” STOP. Take a breath, and rephrase it: “Actually, I developed the strategy for that, and the results were great.” This simple interruption engages your Prefrontal Cortex, forcing it to override the automatic, minimising habit of the ‘we.’ This is supported by Cognitive Behavioural principles for changing ingrained habits.
- The “Receipt Ritual” for Confidence
You are busy. You don’t have time to doubt yourself. Create a specific digital file or journal page called your “Receipts of Greatness.” Any time you get a positive client testimonial, a major KPI achievement, or even a lovely email, file it there. Your micro-ritual: Take sixty seconds to read one receipt. You are giving yourself irrefutable, factual evidence of your competence, which is the antidote to the Imposter Syndrome voice. This practice is scientifically linked to building a stronger sense of self-efficacy.
- Claim the ‘Why,’ Not Just the ‘What’
When you talk about a project, don’t just state the result (“I hit the revenue goal”). Dig deeper and anchor the success to your unique contribution. Instead of: “I finished the marketing plan.” Try: “I used my intuition to shift the pricing strategy, and it resulted in a 30% increase in profit.” When you attribute the win to your unique skills (intuition, strategy, resilience), you start to understand that the success isn’t random luck, it’s a repeatable outcome of your talent.
This Is Your Business. Own It.
Your business is brilliant, filled with your passion, born from your vision, and your incredible tenacity. The ‘we’ habit is comfortable, but it keeps you small and incredibly can impact on your own wellbeing.
When you say “I did this,” you aren’t just celebrating a business milestone, you are nourishing your own mental health and giving your brain’s reward system a boost.